Lord of the Rings: The Lost Pages
by Meome
Summary: The crazy adventures of Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli. AU.
1. Fighting

**Disclaimer: We don't own Lord of the Rings. Tolkien does. **

One bright, sunny afternoon, Legolas walked into Aragorn's room in Lothlorien, and noticed that he was sitting by himself, muttering "I love you Arwen, I'm your Ranger Love," over and over again.

"Are you talking about Arwen to yourself?" asked Legolas.

"Shut up Legolas, you don't know anything about girls! So shut up!" yelled Aragorn.

"So who cares? Some guys want me to tell them about girls," said Legolas.

"Are you two fighting about girls again?" said Gimli.

"Shut up!" yelled Legolas and Aragorn.

Then Gimli stood up "You don't tell a Dwarf to shut up," yelled Gimli

Then Gimli got his axe, and was going to kill them but he didn't.

"I'm not going to kill you guys because you are my friends," said Gimli

"WHAT! You were going to kill us!" yelled Legolas

"Yeah, sorry, but why do you think I grabbed my axe? " Gimli snapped.

Then Legolas and Aragorn slapped Gimli.

"OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! You two hurt," yelled Gimli. "But Legolas slaps harder then you, Aragorn," he added.

"WHAT! Aragorn slaps harder than me," Legolas insisted.

Aragorn grinned and slapped Legolas.

Gimli pulled Legolas's hair.

"OWWW! OWWWW! OWWW!" Legolas screamed in pain.

"What are you doing to Legolas?" Frodo gasped, running in.

"STAY out of this!" Aragorn yelled, glaring at him.

"No, I won't stay out of it," Frodo said. Therefore, he, too, slapped Legolas. Then he left.

Suddenly, Gimli farted.

"Oops, sorry my fault," he groaned.

"GROSS! GROSS! GROSS! GROSS!" said Legolas.

"Well _sorry_, I ate beans today for lunch," Gimli said defensively.

Then Aragorn pulled Legolas's hair.

"OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! Quit hurting me," Legolas wailed.

Gimli was standing next to Legolas and pulled his pants down.

Then Legolas started a fire. Gimli farted again and almost blew all of them up. "Oops, sorry," said Gimli

"You might have killed us," said Legolas and Aragorn. Then Aragorn and Legolas slapped Gimli.

"OUCH! OUCH! Dang you two hurt;well, when you want me come find me," Gimli growled. He walked off, then turned around and repeated, "When you guys want me come and get me."

Outside, Spiders were eating Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin. Legolas went to go get Gimli. He was behind a tree.

Legolas was almost shot by an arrow. He jumped and the arrow got Legolas's hair. "Owww, no, it got my hair!" Legolas ran in a hole."OWWWW!" The hole was filled with spiders. Legolas tried to get out but he couldn't get up.

"Help me!" yelled Legolas. **A lot** of spiders were biting him. "Aragorn help me, I'm stuck in a hole and it is hot in here!" yelled Legolas. Then the wizard made them into five-year-old kids.

Legolas finally got out of the hole. Then he fell into a **deeper hole**, and an **even deeper hole**, and finally the **ultimate deep** **hole**. "AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" he screamed, his voice unheard by any of his friends.

**Review?**


	2. The Hole

**Disclaimer: We don't own Lord of the Rings. Tolkien does. **

Legolas was still stuck in the hole. He took a scroll of parchment out of his pocket. He also took out a pen, and began to write furiously:

_**To Mirkwood**_

_Dear Ada:_

_I want to go home so please come get me I am at Lórien in an ultimate deep hole._

_Ada will you please come get me? And if you come get me look in all the deep holes. Ada, a wizard turned me five again so look for me ok?_

_I'm lost and I want you to find me Ada. Please come get me. Oh, and an Orc cut off some of my hair!_

_Love,_

_Legolas_

_P.S. Please write back ok? I can't send you another message._

"Who are you writing to?" Gimli called, staring down into the hole. About time he showed up.

"My Ada," Legolas shouted.

"What does Ada mean?" asked Gimli.

"It means daddy and dad," said Aragorn, coming over.

"Why are you writing to your dad?" asked Gimli.

"Because I want to, you stinky butt!" Legolas shouted.

"Don't call me that, Elfie!" Gimli shouted.

"Shut up or I'll cut your head off!" Legolas screamed.

"You can't use a sword!" Gimli laughed.

"So? Aragorn will do it for me!"

"Whatever," Gimli said.

"I hate you!" Legolas ran off crying, just as a bird dropped another letter on Gimli's head.

_Dear Legolas:_

_Legolas I hate you! You are a worthless son, and no, I am not going to come get you! This isn't even your Ada writing, it's your butler! HA HA HA! Sticks out tongue Nobody likes you; you don't have any friends, my precioussssssss. Goodbye._

_Sincerely,_

_The Most Popular Butler in Middle-Earth_

"Hey Leggy your stupid dad wrote back , and if you want it come and get it, " said Gimli  
" If you don't give me that I will shoot you with my bow so give it to me," said Legolas  
" Ha ha ha ha ha!" Gimli laughed, and dangled the letter in Leggy's face.  
"No! I want my letter!" Legolas cryed. Tears ran down his face.  
"Baby baby baby baby you cryed," Gimli laughed

Then Gimli read the letter!  
"Uh oh Legolas your dad hates you!" said Gimli  
"WHAT! Give me that letter!" said Legolas

"Can you read?" asked Legolas  
"Of course I can read!" Gimli said huffily. "I just read a little bit!" Then Gimli smacked Legolas.  
"Owwie!" Legolas whimpered, and touched his face.  
"Don't make fun of me!" Gimli growled.

Legolas ran off sobbing. Gandalf grabbed him and picked him up "Why are you crying?"

"Put me down, you meanie!" Legolas shouted.

"No you are a baby so no," Gandalf said.

"If you don't I will take your staff and whack you with it so put me DOWN!" Shouted Legolas

"No baby " Gandalf said

Then Gandalf sang a song that he made up.

"Legolas is a baby Legolas is a baby don't cry baby!" laughed Gandalf.

"Leave me alone!" Legolas shouted, and smacked Gandalf.

"You pointy-eared freak!" Gandalf bellowed. He sat on Legolas and began to beat him.

"OWWW! ARAGORN! GIMLI! HELP!" Legolas screamed.

"If you want to fight come and get me sucker!" Aragorn told Legolas.

Legolas pulls out his bow and arrow and almost hits Aragon right in the nuts.

"Hey! Watch it you idiot! "Aragon growled

"Well at least I don't stick my ear to the ground." Legolas yelled

"I was tracking!"

"I protect Gimli and you just stand there!" Legolas said.

"Shut up baby!"

"You need anger management badly, and you are the baby because I don't cry over the hobbits!" said Legolas

"I hate you!"

"I don't like ghosts!"

"So?"

"I don't like girls and Gandalf!

"SO?"

Their argument was cut short when a single spider attacked them…

**Review?**


	3. A Very Bad Day

**Disclaimer: We don't own Lord of the Rings. Tolkien does. **

"SPIDER SPIDER KILL IT KILL IT MY LOVE!" Legolas yelled.

"Oops I meant Aragorn."

Aragorn stomped on the spider.

"Owww! I think it bit me!!" Legolas cried

"You're ok it didn't hurt you it's only a scratch." said Aragorn

"So it hurts!" yelled Legolas. He picked up a bottle on the ground, opened it, and drank the green liquid inside, thinking it was juice.

Legolas starts to cry really, really loud.

"Quit your whining what are you 3?" Said Aragorn

"I could be," said Legolas

Legolas turns into a baby.

Legolas stops crying.

Aragorn pokes Leggy's arm and he starts to cry again.

"Are we going to hear that all day? Asked Gimli

"Probably a couple weeks," Aragorn sighed.

Legolas ran away, tripped, scraped his knee, and turned back into a grown Elf.

"That was weird," Gandalf said. "Did you drink any strange potions by any chance?"

"I drank something in a green bottle," Legolas said.

"Oh—that was my temporary age decelerator," Gandalf explained. "You should be fine now."

"Great," Legolas mumbled. Then he fainted. Aragorn knelt down beside him and picked him up. He carried him to his room and dropped him on his bed.

"Maybe he was allergic," Gandalf said.

"Nope..." Aragorn protested, and pulled up his sleeve to reveal a huge red mark. "Spider bite."

"NOOOOOOO!" Gimli wailed.

"He'll be okay once Elrond gets here," Gandalf said. "Elrond is the bestest healer in all of Middle Earth! He clears 100,000 platinum a week when he treats just one person—that would be Legolas. His father is rich!"

"Whatever," Aragorn muttered. Elrond walked into the room.

"Okay, what happened?" he demanded, looking at Legolas.

"Legolas was bitten by a spider!" Pippin spoke up helpfully. "Is he going to die?"

"Hopefully not," Elrond said as he bent over the bed and pulled down Leggy's shirt collar. "This looks bad—I'm going to have to use Elf Ointment 6000."

"What's that?" Gimli asked.

"It's the strongest medicine for spider bites," Elrond explained. "I'm also going to have to give him 10,000 milligrams of Shelob's Anti-Poison Poison."

"So you're fixing the poison by giving him poison?" Gimli demanded, flabbergasted.

"Exactly," Elrond confirmed.

"Are you trying to kill him?!" Gimli shouted.

"No—trust me, it's a very effective poison remedy," Elrond insisted. He completed his very brief and very cheap examination.

"What else do you suggest, Dr. Rondy?" Gandalf asked.

Legolas opened his eyes. "...What happened?" he asked, but everybody ignored him.

"Well," Elrond continued. "I'm pretty certain he has the Elven Flu."

"What's that and how do you treat it?" Aragorn asked.

"It's a rare flu that only Elves get. He has to come to Rivendell in order for me to treat it, because I'm the best," Elrond said. Gandalf nodded in agreement.

"Lassie how r u feeling" said Gimli.

"Where did that come from?" asked Aragorn.

"Nothing...just my pet name for Leggy," Gimli admitted quietly.

"Pet name? I thought only couples did that..."

"Why do you guys always ask questions?" Gimli asked.

"I'm not exactly doing peachy-keen, Gimbo," Legolas muttered nastily under his breath.

"What?" Gimli asked.

"Nuthin'" Legolas said.

"Gimbo?" Aragorn asked.

"Gorn, Gimbo, Lassie, Gandy, Froey, Sammy, Pip, Mer, Rondy, Windy, Ren, Eoo, Farty Farry," laughed Boromir, also known as Borri.

Legolas fell asleep.

Aragorn hit him "Wakie wakie."

"Owwie Owwie," Legolas whined.

"Ooh! Ooh! Farty Farty!" Gimli laughed, and then farted.

"Leave me alone!" Legolas said. Elrond poked him.

"Where did Borri come from? I thought he died?"

"I think he's back from his grave, and he came to kill everyone but me cause he likes me more than you guys," said Lassie.

"I didn't come to kill anyone," Boromir protested. He gave Legolas a happy look. "I came to get my Elf!"

"I don't think so—," Gimli began. "He's my Elf!"

"Legolas is nobody's Elf, and as of this moment he's property of me, "Elrond said.

"Why?" Legolas asked. "I don't like you."

"Who cares, I'm your healer, you stupid ungrateful royal piece of royal Mirkwood trash that Thranduil forgot to dump in the forest dump yesterday! If you don't like the way I'm treating you then you can go somewhere else and hope that they want to take care of you, because you're a lousy, spoiled Elf Prince brat," Elrond shouted.

Legolas burst into tears and ran out of the house.

Thranduil came in "where's me Daughter and Grillfriend?" He spilt his Mug of 'special' wine. "Is me daughter married?"

"What daughter?" Elrondy asked.

"I asker from something and I get Nuthin' who are you people? Are you my gardeners I asked form how come I don't get you who ever you are pull out my wedgies I said get it out not make it worse!" Thranduil bellowed.

Legolas walked back into the house. "Daddy, can you please take me home? A spider bit me and it hurts..." he said, and held his shoulder.

Thranduil instantly recovered from his drunkenness. "ELROND! HAVE YOU BEEN SLACKING ON YOUR DUTIES? TELL ME, HAVE YOU NEGLECTED TO DO YOUR JOB WHEN I AM PAYING YOU WITH GOLD AND JEWELS? YOU UNGRATEFUL WANNABE KING! HOW DARE YOU MAKE MY BABY SUFFER!"

Elrond gulped and backed away.

Thranduil smiled. "Come on, Leggy, I'm taking you home, so you can sleep in your own bed."

"No—Lord Thranduil it's not like that—it's all Estel's fault!" Elrond stammered.

"Estel is a good boy, unlike your sons," Thranduil said. "Estelie did you hurt my baby Huh?"

"No" Aragorn said innocently

"Told you so!"

"Estel is one of my sons, you Idiotic!" Elrond yelled

"You guys pick on someone your own size not Estel!" Thranduil snapped. "We're going to Mirkwood!"


	4. Mirkwood

**Disclaimer: We don't own Lord of the Rings. Tolkien does. **

"Why are we going to Mirkwood?" Aragorn said in a cute little voice.

"Cause that's the only place you won't get hurt," said Thranduil.

"YOU DON'T NEED TO PROTCET ME EVERY MINUTE AND I'M NOT GOING TO MIRKWOOD," yelled Aragorn.

"Ok, but I have you favorite food," said Thranduil as he started to walk away.

"Ok, will you bring it to me, because my legs hurt," said Aragorn

"Sure just cause you're my favorite son," Thranduil walked away to get the food.

"Come on guys, let's get out of here before he gets back!" said Aragorn.

"Why it's your favorite food," said Leggy.

"I'm not his son that's why so let's go," said Aragorn.

"He's your Ada--he's yours," said Aragorn.

"I need to rest," Legolas said, and sat down under a big tree.

"Why, are you sick or something?" Pippin asked stupidly.

"DUHHHHH, he got bit by a spider you idiot!" Frodo said, and smacked Pippin upside the head.

"What is your favorite food?" Sammy asked.

"Rare steak ...what's your favorite food everything?" Aragorn asked.

"Taters, you know, POTATOES, boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a ste--," Sam.

"Okay, okay, we get it!" Aragorn shouted.

"I love beans," Gimli spoke up.

"So what," Aragorn muttered. He heard footsteps approaching. Thranduil appeared with a plate of Brussels sprouts in his hands.

"I thought you said you had my FAVORITE food," Aragorn growled.

"All kids love Brussels sprouts!" Thranduil insisted. "You ate them all the time at my house when you were little."

"That was called sucking up," Aragorn said.

"Who cares, where's Leggy?" Thranduil asked.

"Sleeping, or unconscious, or something," Pippin said.

"My little Leggy? LEGGY your favorite foods come and GET IT!!"

"Ada I was sucking up. I hate Brussels sprouts too. Aragorn showed me how to suck up--sorry do you hate me? I really am sorry do you forgive me?" asked Legolas.

"Of course, honey. Come on, you don't need to sleep on the ground," Thranduil said. "I'll carry you." He picked Legolas up.

"Wow, you're surprisingly strong for a king," Merry commented.

"No, Leggy weighs hardly nothing," Thranduil said.

"He's fat he should weigh 10,000,000 lbs; I only weigh 57 lbs," Frodo stated

"Well if you two don't stop fighting I will weigh you on my bathroom scale it doesn't stink that bad I only farted 111 times today," said Gandalf

"NO NOT GANDY'S BATHROOM IN MIRKWOOD!" yelled everyone at the same time.

They arrived at the palace gate, and walked inside. Legolas was sleeping in Thranduil's arms.

"Hello Your Majesty," Galion said, and bowed.

"Good morning, Galion." Thranduil said. He walked down the hall to Legolas's room. Legolas woke up and looked around.

"We're home already?" he said sleepily.

Thranduil rummaged around in his closet and brought out a clean pair of pajamas. "Here, get dressed."

"I sick Ada. But I love you!" Legolas said. He went into the closet and got dressed. Then Legolas came out and started to get in bed. "Night, night, Ada," he said.

"No, you're not going to bed yet," Thranduil said. "You still have to eat lunch and visit the healer."

"Fine," Legolas said miserably, and followed Thranduil into the hall. Gandalf went into his bathroom and closed the door. They heard farting sounds.

Aragorn was already in the healing wing doing his chores, which consisted of making beds, cleaning the rooms, and restocking the cabinets.

"Hi, Legolas, King Thranduil; I'm almost done," Aragorn said.

"Good job, Estel," Thranduil said with a smile. Then he took Legolas into the healer's office.

"Hello, Your Majesty, what can I do for you today?" Kaiehlwdg asked.

"Legolas was bitten by a spider yesterday," Thranduil explained. "In Lothlorien."

"Really? I didn't know there were spiders in Lothlorien," Kaiehlwdg said. He pulled down the collar of Legolas's nightshirt. "This looks bad," he said, and poked it.

"Owww," Legolas groaned.

"Elrond said that he also has Elflow."

"What the heck is that?"

"I don't know. Probably something to do with the sinuses," Thranduil said.

"Okay," the healer said. He put some medicine on the bite. "You should stay in bed for about two weeks."

"But—," Legolas protested.

"No buts!" Thranduil said. "Come on."

"...No fair..." Legolas grumbled, and followed his Ada back to his room. He crawled into bed and lay down.

"Do you want your teddy bear?" Thranduil asked, and tucked him in.

"Sure," Legolas mumbled. Thranduil set his teddy bear beside him, and then kissed him on the forehead.

"Goodnight, sweetie," Thranduil said, and blew out the light. He left the room and closed the door.

Gimli ran down the hall, screaming. "I need beans, quick! This is an emergency!"

"Gimli, we don't serve beans here except on holidays," Thranduil said. "I'm only allowed to eat them on holidays because I eat too much other food and...Well...you know."

"I can sympathize," Gimli said with a nod. He walked off, disappointed, until he remembered that he had a secret stash of beans in his bag. He ran to his room.

Meanwhile, Legolas tried to sleep. Suddenly he leaned over the side of his bed and puked into a bucket.

Aragorn ran off yelling, "No one likes me…"

"Why am I always the one who gets poisoned, I'm an Elf, I should be immune to this kind of stuff," Legolas was complaining.

"Because you don't eat beans wait I have a song," Gimli spoke up. "Beans, beans the magical fruit, the more you eat the more you poop…and fart." Gimli sang.

"Oh great song," Legolas said sarcastically. "Like I would ever eat beans, that nasty stuff " he mumbled. "WHY I DON'T EAT BEANS IS TO KEEP MY HAIR NICE AND SHINY--THAT IS WHAT I CARE ABOUT THE MOST…THERE IS NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN MY HAIR!"

"Don't diss the beans their tasty," growled Gimli.


	5. Tragedy

**Disclaimer: We don't own Lord of the Rings. Tolkien does. **

Aragorn walked into the room. "What are you two arguing about?" he demanded. "I need you to help me patrol outside the city tonight—orcs have been spotted in the Riddermark, and they are headed this way."

"You got it," Legolas said. He grabbed his bow, and went outside. Gimli groaned and followed him—he hated it when they had to get serious about stuff.

"Why do I always have to be in the back?" asked Leggy

"'Cause, think of it as the front," said Gimli

"I can't."

"Why?"

"I just can't."

"Sorry to tweak you hair."

"DON'T YOU EVER TALK LIKE THAT AROUND MY HAIR YOU SICK, SHORT, UGLY, DWARF OR I WILL GET PHYSICAL ON YOU!"

"Fine, fine hair man."

"THAT'S TALKING ABOUT IT!"

"What?"

"HELP ME KILL THESE ORCS THERE'S TONS OF THEM SO HELP ME"

"Ok just next time, don't keep saying guys"

"Okay, help!"

Gimli swung his axe at an orc, and it fell dead. He hacked it into pieces.

"1, 2, 99,100,199,200,299" Legolas was counting

"4, 1000, 6, 24, 10!"Gimli was counting.

"What a pretty elyphant don't squash me elyphant!"

"I'll save you, you now have my trust." Legolas started kissing his bow

Gimli drank some beer from his pocket and fell over sleeping. "ZZZZZZZZZZZ…"

"WAKE UP YOU FREAK!!Aragorn shouted

"Wait where did he get beer he didn't have anything in his pocket."

Gimli farted.

"He's not dead, or fainted, he's sleeping!"

"We need to wake up Gimli."

"You go get beans and beer."

"Why?"

"He will wake up."

"Oh."

"Now go."

Legolas ran off. Soon he returned with beans, and a mug of beer.

"You're finally back!" said Aragorn.

Gimli scratched his beard." Who? What?" He looked around. "Beans, beer, givey givey!" Gimli finished his beans.

"Givey givey give me more beans!"

A Beer mug smacked into Gimli's head. The sharp mug cut into his chest and as they threw cans of beans at him a bean got stuck in his lung and killed him.

Legolas missed Gimli so much that he went on a rampage and killed everyone including himself.

**The end!**


End file.
